Gordon ****ing Ramsay at Christmas

Even as a devout atheist and increasingly committed anti-theist, I enjoy Christmas. This isn't hypocritical of me because Christmas has as much to do with Christ as Easter does, ie NONE. It was a pagan festival and … well, look, people give me presents so it's okay with me, right?

Anyway, Christmas is a time for families and especially children. We all remember what it was like waking up Christmas morning, seeing Santa had come and going downstairs (presuming you have a downstairs) to sit by the tree and open your presents.

One of the other things that really brought home the Christmas spirit for me was the TV. There would always be some Noel Edmonds visiting the disadvantaged or similar, handing out presents and generally making life seem a little bit better for all concerned. Or there'd be some other equally warm and fuzzy show to settle back with.

This year, Channel4 appear to be under the illusion that what children want to watch Christmas morning is ‘Gordon’s Christmas Cook along Live’. I think they are very, very wrong.

Apparently this show will feature the foul mouthed scrotum fore-headed titular chef talking the viewers through the preparation of a three course meal. Mixed with this culinary delight we are to be treated to celebrity chef bloopers and classic clips of cookery TV shows. Wow, really? I really can't wait.

No, actually I can. I can wait an eternity to see Gordon 'f**king' Ramsay on my screens at the best of times and it wouldn't be long enough, but expecting families to sit through yet another cookery program on Christmas Day when there's too many on TV the rest of the year is really taking the piss and then drizzling it over the top of the festivities like some rancid gravy on a what could have been a perfectly enjoyable turkey.

I'm keen not to understate just how much this annoys me, though doing so without using Ramsay's vocabulary and having to start this blog with a warning is proving a challenge.

Our TV schedules are filled with low budget, low quality, low interest tripe throughout the year. We have cookery, DIY (that's home improvements for you US folk), gardening, antiques, how to sell your home, how to buy a home filling our screens. Personally I've had enough of them and to find that Channel4, a channel that started out trying to be edgy and different, thinking that it'll be great idea to inflict this garbage really does get right up my nose.

The one saving grace? It's not being fronted by Jason Manford, which is a miracle considering you couldn't move for him on TV until recently. What are the odds he turns up as a guest though?

Before anybody says there's other channels, watch one of those. Whilst that is true, what of the poor kids, or other family members, who are to be forced to suffer this borefest? This is the thin end of a very unpalatable wedge, the encroaching of tired, cheap, unimaginative TV on the Christmas schedules – they're full enough of old films, generally unfunny specials and depressing soap episodes. Spare us the Klingon faced sweary-bloke and his ideas on how to cook turkeys. If anything should get stuffed, it's him!

Channel4, to quote the Pogues - Merry Christmas you arse!